Sunday, April 20, 2014

MotoGP Round 2 at the Schwantzenring.

MotoGPville rolled deep (so deep it put that ass to sleep) into the heart of Texas for the second round of the 2014 season. The big hullaballoo was that MotoGP legend, Kevin Schwantz, and DORNA/COTA had settled their differences, fist-bump-boomed, and Schwantz came out on top by virtue of being named COTA's 'Ambassador of Motorcycle Racing'...and that he would be allowed to attend a race at the track that would not not exist if it wasn't for his hard work and determination.
The runner-up trophy in the 'America's got hullaballoos' extravaganza went to Texas' own Colin Edwards II and his announcement of his retirement from motorcycle racing effective at the end of the 2014 season during the pre-race jabber-fest. Thanks for the memories, Colin. The swear jar will be significantly-less funded without you...until Jack Miller steps up to the big-boy class.
Before we get our Texas-on, we need to whoa-down the ponies and take a bullet-style look back on what went down at round 1, in Qatar. Harden your hearts and brace yourselves for a 'Qatarflash-back'.
> Marc Marquez won from a pole position start (shocker, I know).
> Old Rossi looked like the Rossi of old and almost didn't get beat by Marquez.
> After pretending to care, Pedrosa spent his money at the company store and finished a safe third. Good boy.
> Jorge Lorenzo crashed out of the lead on the first lap...smashing his 'unhappiest lap' record in the process.
> Bradl crashed...he was uninjured and was able to goosestep back to his underground bunker.
> Copycat Bautista also crashed...he and his hair were uninjured.
> Azi Farni is quite short...and quite hot.
> The floodlights at Qatar are regulated by a bed-ridden lady with a God-powered Clapper.

OK...enough about that. Fast-forward to Texas where Marquez picked up where he left off at the sandbox...fastest in every session, taking pole position, and basically crushing souls from here to Christmas...all with a helpful smile in every aisle.
Pedrosa and Bradl rounded out the front row. Allen's Asparagus did well to put his NGM/Forward/Underprivileged/CRT/Whatever machine in the fourth grid position. JLo fifth on the grid and Rossi sixth. Homeboys Hayden and Edwards in a star-spangled fourteenth and nineteenth, respectively. Fuck yeah!
On to race day. While the MotoGP riders were sitting in their pitboxes listening to their Ipods and wearing white sunglassses, the support classes were doing the business on track. In Moto3, Australia's Jack Miller won the race and celebrated by dropping a bunch of f-bombs. In Moto2, America's Josh Herrin initiated an expensive yardsale in the first turn of the race. Josh is a cool dude and great rider...I'm sure he'll complete a racing lap before the end of the season.
As the crowd returned from the snack bar with more bacon-wrapped Twinkie steaks, the MotoGP riders completed their warm-up lap and took their spots on the grid. While the rest of the riders were adjusting their junk and waiting for the light, Lorenzo decided to jump the start by so much that a sundial was needed to measure his infraction. Knowing he was going to get a ride-through penalty, Lorenzo said 'fuck it' (but in Espanol) and took off. Lorenzo's 'amazing' start wouldn't have really mattered, as the law-biding Marquez was right on his assbone within a few corners. At the end of the first lap, Lorenzo ducked into pit lane to pay the piper. He rejoined the race in last place...way the fuck back. He managed to salvage a decent 10th place finish, and later attributed his colossal brain-fart to having to remove a mosquito-stained tear-off while gridding up. Let that sink in.
With mosquito face out of the way, Marquez giggled, slid, and stoppied his way to his second consecutive win...complete with a StarBoyz tribute on the final corner of the final lap. The kid is seriously unfuckwithable. Back in the pack, Pedrosa was consistently quick, but wasn't able to hang with Marquez, and finished in a respectable 2nd place...Tokyo harbor will have to wait. Early in the race, Valentino Rossi looked to have something for the front-runners, but eventually drifted bask to an 8th place finish courtesy of a cheese-gratered front tire.
While Rossi was doing a full-retreat, It was Ducati's Dovizioso who was looking solid and motoring up through the pack courtesy of some impressive overtaking moves. Dovi's teammate, Cal Crutchlow, didn't fair so well as he drifted back to 10th, pitted for a new rear tire, rejoined the race, and then hit the deck with nine laps to go.
With Marquez and Pedrosa way the fuck out front, Dovi did well to plop his Ducati in the third and final podium spot. Bradl finished fourth, and Schoolboy Bradley Smith finished in a career-best fifth place. He'll be on the box before the end of the season, for surely.
So there you have it...Marquez is batting .1000 on the season and heads to the next round with two poles, two wins, and a fourteen point lead in his man purse. The next stop is at the new Termas de Rio Hondo circuit in Argentina, next weekend. If you plan on putting money on someone other than Marquez for the win, you might as well stick your dick in a toaster...but make sure it's plugged in first.
T...out.
Race Result:
1) Marc Marquez / Repsol Honda
2) Dani Pedrosa / Repsol Honda
3) Andrea Dozioso / Ducati Factory
4) Stefan Bradl / LCR Honda
5) Bradley Smith / Monster Yamaha Tech 3
6) Paul Espargaro / Monster Yanaha Tech 3
7) Andrea Iannone / Pramac Ducati
8) Valentino Rossi / Movistar Yamaha
9) Allen Espargaro / NGM Forward Racing Yamaha
10) Jorge Lorenzo / Movistar Yamaha
11) Nicky Hayden / Drive M7 Aspar Honda
12) Hiroshi Aoyama / Drive M7 Aspar Honda
13) Yonny Hernandez / Pramac Ducati
14) Karel Abraham / Cardion AB Honda
15) Hector Barbera / Avintia Racing
16) Michael Laverty / Paul Bird Motorsport
17) Danilo Petrucci / Ioda racing ART
18) Mike DiMeglio / Avintia Racing
DNF) Scott Redding / Go & Fun Honda Gresini
DNF) Colin Edwards / NGM Forward Racing
DNF) Cal Crutchlow / Ducati factory
DNF) Alvaro Bautista / Go & Crash Honda Gresini
DNF) Broc Parkes / Paul Bird Motorsport

Have a 'wheelie' good Easter!

...and the award for 'lamest post title' goes to...*drumroll*...ME!

Friday, April 18, 2014

Arlo Guthrie knows the score...